How Did She Get Inside My Head?

[desoto_hia873]

I don't really know why I am posting this. I guess eliade's words struck a chord and I want not to lose them or my reaction to them.

From a post by eliade: http://www.livejournal.com/users/eliade/342360.html

And I seriously just don't get it: what do people *do* with their lives? Usually it feels like there is far too little time, but other times, it's just you and the couch and a reluctance to do practical things like laundry. It's days like this that I fear I simply don't know how to live--to exist as a meaningful lifeform.

Can I use this as my epitaph?

Wow, do I know those feelings. I'm seeing someone who lives three hours away, which leaves most weekday evenings and a fair number of weekends to fill on my own. I used to know how to live, what to do - really I did. I had years of practice living in places where I knew very few people and I mostly entertained myself when I wasn't working or at school. I know that I took myself to a movie every Saturday night and walked the dog in a park by a river. I watched alot of TV. Sometimes I cross-stitched. Some weekends seemed endless, but mostly they were OK.

Then, a few years ago, my head exploded. Depression descended and squashed me flat. It's not so bad now, but I can feel it clawing at my heels on the empty weekends. As often as not, I succumb to the pull of the couch and the reluctance to do laundry and think that maybe I should take up substance abuse as a hobby because at least it would make the time go by faster. And then, on Monday morning when I have to get up to go to work, I remember all the things I could have done with those two days - things that would have qualified as living rather than just existing - and I wonder why I couldn't see them on Saturday and Sunday.

I think I will read all the responses to your post, make a list, and stick it to my fridge.

Comments

[hieispike.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the link. :)

I also know how that kind of emptiness feels. It's the little things, I think, that we take for granted which make us alive... like a little boy's laughter, or a mother's fussing, or even a sibling's good-natured whining. For me, that's what helps.

[desoto-hia873.livejournal.com]

It's the little things, I think, that we take for granted which make us alive...

For me, feeling alive has alot to do with feeling connected to other people. I like my alone time, but I also like it to be a choice. I started seeing Jim last June - because he lives so far away, we see each other only a couple of times each month. But it's made a difference - I know he's out there, we talk on the phone most evenings, and I have weekends with him to look forward to. I'm less hermit-y than I was this time last year. Which is a good thing.

LJ helps too, actually. My health isn't what it used to be, so quiet evenings/weekends at home are sometimes a necessity. LJ means that friends (and the occasional bit of smut) are only a keyboard away. :-)

[archbishopm.livejournal.com]

I try to divide my time evenly between being wracked with existential angst and thinking dirty thoughts. Plus of course the aforementioned substance abuse.

[desoto-hia873.livejournal.com]

Smutty fanfic certainly helps. :-)

I'm failing miserably on the substance abuse front - I keep forgetting to go to the liquor store. Somehow, the odd glass of Dubonnet just doesn't seem hardcore enough. (Lord, I can't even do THAT right!)

[a-blue-moon-cat.livejournal.com]

This all sounds a little too much like my own life. I made a resolution to do more stuff on my own, since the bf is so busy and lives almost an hour away. But my customer service job is tiring, and so I find myself on the computer a lot or reading a lot. Don't have cable, but occasionally watch a movie or something the bf taped for me, since he has cable. I really need to get out more and hand with other friends, but I work a lot on the weekends, and they mostly don't, and so many social clubs meet on weekends. Really, I need to find another job that's not so tiring. That would help, and maybe I could have weekends off so that I could be like normal people. :) Btw, friended you, since we both like the Monkees and BtVSverse, amongst other things. You're welcome to friend me back. :)

[desoto-hia873.livejournal.com]

I still watch alot of TV. And TV shows that I've bought on DVD. (We won't get into how many times I've watched and rewatched my BtVS and Angel DVDs!) Oh well, I guess there are worse vices.

You're welcome to friend me back.

Buffy! Monkees! Done. :-)

Who was your favourite Monkee? (Yes, I have them on DVD too.)

[a-blue-moon-cat.livejournal.com]

I only have 1st season Buffy on DVD, but if I just dug out all my tapes. *grins* I also have the big video box set of the Monkees eppies, so haven't felt the need to get them on DVD, but will someday.

When I was a child, I loved Davy, duh. *grins* But now that I'm older, I have a greater appreciation for Nez's music. Do think that Peter and Micky would be interesting to talk to. I've been hanging out in the Usenet newsgroup alt.music.monkees since forever. Have also been known to post on a couple of Yahoo Group lists, Monkees-list, and Long Title. Have even written some Monkeefic. :)

So who's your fave Monkee, then and now?

[desoto-hia873.livejournal.com]

Monkeefic? I should have guessed such a thing existed. Heh.

Micky. Then and now. The only time in my life I've ever succumbed to being a complete fangirl was when I saw the Monkees in concert the first time and squealed out loud. I was, like, six feet from Micky. :-)